


Conflicted

by UrsineEnchantment



Category: Persona 5, Persona Series
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Awkward Crush, Awkward Romance, Awkwardness, Crushes, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Repressed, F/M, Falling In Love, Feels, Fluff and Angst, Forbidden Love, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Humor, Internal Conflict, Love Confessions, Romance, Romantic Fluff, Secret Crush, ShuAnn, Slow Burn, Spoilers, Teen Crush, Teen Romance, Teenagers, akirann, sort of but he's the only one who thinks it's forbidden, spoilers for Ann's confidant
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-08
Updated: 2018-10-12
Packaged: 2019-06-07 01:37:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15207995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UrsineEnchantment/pseuds/UrsineEnchantment
Summary: 'You have me.'He had no idea why he'd been possessed to say it. He shouldn't have said it. He'd only wanted to help her, to let her know she hadn't lost all of her friends, wasn't really alone, and that she had someone to lean on. All of those things that he'd wished so desperately for someone to say to him when he'd felt alone in the world on that fateful day.Instead, all it had done was open a massive can of worms that he was struggling to shove closed.





	1. Bleeding Heart

**Author's Note:**

> What's this? A p5 fic that isn't Shumako? /GASP/
> 
> I'm dating Ann in my second playthrough (was aiming for Haru but she comes SO LATE in the game and Ann's rank 9 just kinda happened and I got to caught up in the emotion to back out oops) and I have to admit I actually shipped her with Akira before I met Makoto, and I still do have a soft spot for them (esp with some of the scenes in the anime the CHERRY BLOSSOMS MMM). So I started writing this a while ago and have been chipping away at it whenever I needed a break from my 'Twisting Chains' drafts.
> 
> Fun thing about this one is it's actually almost completely written already (spare a few minor fixes/a conclusion), so you won't have to wait very long for updates! I'm just spacing out the posting so that you have something to read between Twisting Chains chapters!
> 
> This fic takes place very shortly after Kaneshiro's change of heart, FYI.

_'You have me.'  
  
_ He had no idea _why_ he'd been possessed to say it. He _shouldn't_ have said it. He'd only wanted to help her, to let her know that she hadn't lost all of her friends, wasn't really alone, and that she had someone to lean on. All of those things that he'd wished _so desperately_ for someone to say to him when he'd felt alone in the world on that fateful day.  
  
Instead, all it had done was open a massive can of worms that he was struggling to shove closed.  
_  
'I think I love you!'  
  
_ Five words. Five words that had made his breath catch and the world around them freeze. A single sentence, but one with enough power to send his heart beating like a jackhammer while his stomach twisted and his brain _reeled,_ struggling to catch up, to comprehend. All of the hopes and desires he hadn't _dared_ think about too deeply, but that had been nagging in the back of his mind for months...all of them had come fluttering up at once to rear a single blonde head, one who was staring at him with such hesitance, such _anticipation._ She was waiting for an answer, one he could give with a such an easy rush of words...just one sentence in reply. Just one sentence, and the most coveted treasure of all would be in his grasp...  
  
_'Sorry, didn't catch that.'_  
  
It had come out casual, aloof, but each word had still sent a knife twisting through his chest. He was still bleeding while Ann coughed, glancing away and muttering that it was nothing worth repeating before she smiled and went back to thanking him for his friendship and support. A cheerful conversation, hopeful for opportunities ahead, ending with the rooftop bathed in sunset hues as they ducked back through the door and went their separate ways.  
_  
It was just the emotion of the moment, not a real crush. She'll get over it._  
  
She'd started with 'I think', after all. It wasn't a clear feeling, just the flurry of everything else clouding her judgement. Nothing more. Which was for the best.  
  
They should _never_ be anything more. He knew that. He'd accepted it a long time ago, had made his peace with it.   
  
So why was every step along the sidewalk trailing red? Why was every breath only aggravating the wound? And why now, laying here in bed with his familiar asleep on that same aching chest, could he only stare at the ceiling and listen to those words echo around and around his skull?  
  
_'I think I love you!'  
  
'I love you!'_  
  
_I loved you first._  
  
Well, maybe not _loved,_ not right away, but definitely a crush. That first sight of the mysterious blonde pulling down her hood, with blue eyes that had left him frozen to his spot under the umbrella, the drumming of rain a soft backdrop around them. Her appearance wasn't what had drawn him in though, sent his heart pattering faster. No, it had been her determination in the face of adversity, even when he and his comrades hadn't wanted her to come into the Palace, and how she'd managed to fight just as hard, if not harder than any of them. She was _so much stronger_ than she looked, than she believed herself to be...  
  
That strength wasn't the only quality he valued either. Beyond that, arguably more important, was her softer side. Always wanting to better herself and give people the benefit of the doubt, wanting to make the world a better place. The way she doted on Mona, and looked after him and Ryuji. She was as sweet as the crepes she loved so much, and she loved cute things and cheesy movies. She was always hopeful, looking to the brighter future even when things looked dim, using it as motivation instead of getting bogged down like he sometimes did. She was a ray of light in the dark, able to cheer him up even on the dreary days.  
  
Dreary days like all of those rainy afternoons they'd spent in that one café, huddled in a booth while drinks warmed them from the inside out. He loved that café. It was calm, comfortable, and he could spend hours sitting there. She'd always done most of the talking, but that just meant he was able to take in the sound of her voice, the soft musings about love and life and what makes hearts stronger, all of those sentimental stories about Shiho or her childhood or those anime villainesses she treasured. Each topic was interesting, a deeper look into what went on in her head when they weren't focused on missions, insight on what she valued most. Of course, sometimes she also talked about the little things, funny things that happened during the day or what she'd had for breakfast. Mindless chatter for most, but those were some of his favourite conversations to remember, to replay in his head when he didn't have anything else to think about.   
  
Yes, the quiet memories were pleasant, but he treasured the louder moments just as much. The sunny days when she was feeling spunky, when she'd grab him by the arm and drag him somewhere out of the blue. The music of her laughter as they goofed around, the way her eyes lit up when she was especially excited and she'd wave her hands around in big, sweeping gestures. When they were racing to the modelling shoot or towards the train station, her pigtails flying in the wind in a way that was so beautiful that, sometimes, he would let himself fall back and lose on purpose, if it meant he could stay behind to watch the soft strands dance in the breeze, to swish around as she jumped up and down, reveling in her victory.  
  
All of those days, all of those memories...each one slowly growing more important to him as he experienced them, as she realized her goals and began working towards them...he'd let himself fall deeper and deeper, knowing the risks but blowing off other appointments anyways, other acquaintances, just to follow those sacred texts. _'Are you free today?' 'Let's hang out, I'm waiting in the mall!' 'Can we talk about something?'  
  
_ He wasn't supposed to fall in love with her. He was supposed to be her friend, and that was it. He'd told himself, over and over, to stop getting so close, too pull back a bit.  
  
And yet he'd kept following her, kept dropping everything else to answer her calls, his heart fluttering with every hangout and secret shared...until it had culminated tonight in the moment he'd never seen coming. The moment that haunted him now, no matter how he tried to brush it away and sleep.  
_  
'Sorry, didn't catch that.'_  
  
It was the backpedal he'd _needed,_ that last ditch-effort to put some distance between them, to keep the balance. It was the only way he could have answered.  He couldn't focus during meetings, couldn't help paying extra attention towards her in the Metaverse...it wasn't just _her_ judgement that was clouded. If he couldn't get his own cleared up and under control, it would only lead to trouble...  
  
And yet, his words kept echoing back in the dark. _  
_  
It was agony. No matter how sound his logic was, he still felt like he'd made the wrong choice.   
  
_I need an outside perspective on this._  
  
There was only one person he could think of who wasn't heavily involved. The only person who had no stakes on either side, would tell him exactly what they thought without sugarcoating anything. The only person who could really advise him.  
  
~~~  
  
Somehow, the final bell's shriek managed to be both music to his ears and his invitation to the gallows, and he took his time gathering his things and making his way towards the stairway, muttering for his companion to run along on his own for an hour or so. Thankfully, Morgana didn't protest, shrugging his shoulders before slipping up towards the abandoned rooftop for some much-deserved sunbathing. The weight lifted from his bag didn't seem to free the burden on his shoulders, and he swallowed, beginning his trudge up the steps and down the snaking hallways. The closer he came towards his destination, the more his stomach churned, even if he was eager to finally spill these secrets to _somebody._ The chatter from the crowds of students he had to dodge merely faded into background murmurs, his focus closing in on the target that was standing at the end of the hall.  
  
"Hey. Can I talk to you?"  
  
Makoto glanced up from the planner she was flipping through, her lips turning up into a warm smile as she tucked it back into her bag. "Of course. What do you require my assistance for? Do you have a new strategy for our missions? Or have we found a new target in Mementos, perhaps? I don't have any appointments today, so I can lock up if we need to head out."  
  
"It's not Metaverse related. Actually...I was hoping for a council meeting."  
  
"Oh?" He could tell she was taken aback by the slight raise of her eyebrows, even if her voice remained calm. Just as quickly though, her expression settled, and she nodded, opening the door and gesturing for him to step inside of her office. Well, the school's council room, but it might as well have been hers with all the time she spent in here.  
  
The door clicked as she locked it behind her, and he took a moment to breathe, the cool and clean scent of the room filling his lungs. Nothing overwhelming, or even very scented, but it was refreshing enough compared to the stuffy air of the hallways. Yeah, air like this helped clear your head...or at least, it usually did. Despite the quiet, relaxed aura of the room, his nerves were still twisting through him, and he found himself remaining standing even as she sat down at the table, shifting his legs occasionally.  
  
"Akira? What did you wish to speak about?" It was a gently spoken prompt, but it finally urged him to sit down across from her. It should have been comfortable. He was just sitting here, talking to a friend. That's all this was.  
  
Why then, did he feel just as trapped as when he'd been called here before, to be interrogated and listen to Makoto's recordings?  
  
He cleared his throat, hoping the action would force the words out of his chest. It didn't. Running a hand through his hair, he persevered. "I...I wanted to get your advice on something." One sentence down. Still, the rest seemed to stay stuck on his tongue. _There's no taking it back once I've said something...  
  
_ If he didn't ask _somebody_ though, he was just going to tear his hair out debating with himself. It was too late to back out now anyways. He had to stick with his plan and get everything out in the open.   
  
Taking a slight breath, he forced himself to look at her. "What would you do if, uh, you really kind of...liked someone, but so did everyone else. I don't mean they just _sort of_ like them either, I mean...they all _really_ like them, a-and they've told you that. Would moving in anyway...would that be selfish?"  
  
Makoto raised an eyebrow, and he'd hoped she was thinking over a smart answer. Instead, a soft sigh escaped her lips. "Er, not to minimize your struggles, Akira, but when you said you wanted advice, I sort of assumed it would be about...a more _pressing_ matter. Like your living situation, perhaps your grades or just...something more _in line_ with what the council deals with."  
  
Fair enough. He guessed technically she wasn't an actual _guidance councilor,_ even if her duties sometimes involved personal issues. "Okay, fine. Forget calling this a council meeting. As my _friend_ , advise me."  
  
"Akira, we've barely known each other for a month or so. Can't you simply ask Ryuji, or perhaps Yusuke? Or what about Ann? Isn't she always going on about roman-"  
  
_"No."_ The sudden intensity he'd cut her off with seemed to startle her into flinching in her seat, even if he hadn't shouted it. Running a hand through his hair, he exhaled slowly, trying to calm himself before he spoke again. _"Please,_ Makoto, I...you're the _only one_ I can talk to about this. No one else can find out."  
  
The brunette stayed silent for a minute, looking him over while she tapped a pen against the desk. Finally, she took a deep breath, then sat up straighter and clasped her hands together. The posture of the true Council President, mature and ready to listen. "Alright then. Please continue."  
  
"I...I think-no, I _know_ I...It's Ann. I'm in love with Ann."  
  
"Wh-What?" Makoto faltered, mouth hanging slightly open while she stared at him. _"Oh..."_ A soft sigh, accompanied by a solemn nod. "I see...You're fearful of how this will change the balance of the team then? A leader preferring one member over the others could cause some issues..."  
  
"Worse than that. You probably don't know, since you're the newest, but...Yusuke wanted to paint her. Ryuji has a history. And Morgana's head over heels-"  
  
"Akira, _he's a cat._ I don't believe his feelings will ever be relevan-"  
  
"He's _a sentient being_ who _might_ be human one day." he interrupted. "We don't know for sure, and he...he tells me _everything,_ Makoto. He's just as much a person as any of us...I can't go behind his back and hurt him." His breath caught, then, and he swallowed, glancing away to toy with another one of the pens on the desk. "I can't hurt any of them, Makoto...they _all_ trust me, they've _all_ told me how they feel about things, a-and about _her,_ and...It would be selfish, right?"  
  
"How does Ann feel about this? Has she shown interest in anyone?"  
  
"I...I'm not sure. She and Ryuji bicker a lot, but I know they're close, and she's warmed up to Yusuke, and..."  
  
"And? What about you?"  
  
"Sometimes I feel like...maybe we're getting close like that? She tells me things she doesn't tell anyone else, and sometimes she kind of...I don't know if it's actually flirting, but..."  
  
"I see...So there are a lot of possibilities, but no concrete relationships as of yet. You're considering taking the chance before someone else does."  
  
"Yeah. I'd...I'd like to _know_ at least, if she...but if it _does_ lead somewhere, then I'd be betraying all of them. And...I'm their leader too. So if I took her-er, not that anyone owns her, you know what I mean-it'd be like saying I could do whatever I wanted, wouldn't it? That I didn't think their feelings on a situation mattered, and that I was better and outranked them, and-"  
  
"Akira, _breathe._ Please, just breathe for a moment."  
  
He hadn't realized he was growing so short of breath until she'd pointed it out, rambling to the point of panting. Face flushing, he nodded, trying to take in the silence while he sucked cool air in and out, holding it in his lungs for a few seconds each time, as if that would somehow ease the burning in his chest. Now that he'd started talking, every possible trouble he'd had spinning in his head for _months_ seemed ready to spill out in a flood of words. Makoto was right though. He needed to breathe, slow down and pace himself before it all overwhelmed him.   
  
Twirling the pen in his hand, he settled on his next set of words, arguably the most important ones.  
  
"Yesterday, she said she loved me. Er, that she _thought_ she loved me." His voice nearly trailed into a whisper with that confession, and he had to force himself to speak up as he continued. "But when I pretended not to hear, she didn't say it again, and she started talking about our friendship instead. So...was it just the emotion of the moment? If she didn't think it was worth saying to my face, it doesn't mean anything, and I should just drop it, right? Before anyone gets hurt?"  
  
Makoto set her own pen down, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "Listen, um...I know assisting students with their problems is part of my duty, but...I truly don't think I'm qualified to advise you on something of this nature..."  
  
"Why not? You're a girl, right? So you should, I mean...Can you just give me your opinion?"   
  
"Akira, I...my life experiences haven't really coincided with the vast majority of girls my age..." Judging by the slight hunching of her shoulders and the way she was now avoiding eye contact in favor of her papers, he'd definitely touched a nerve. Fuck. Before he could find the breath to apologize though, she was speaking again, albeit quietly. "I don't know much about love or crushes, but...from what I've witnessed, people tend to get rather up-in-arms about this sort of thing. It's ruined many a close friendship within this school. If you honestly believe that it would cause _that much tension_ between you and the rest of the group, and if you aren't even sure if Ann would reciprocate your advances, common sense would tell you to avoid confrontation altogether and keep things the way they are."   
  
"Right..." That had been the answer he was hoping for in the end, to be honest. Someone to kick some sense into him and tell him to shove it back down, deep inside, and never let those feelings out again. Someone who would follow logic over emotion. He'd been lucky to build this group of friends here, and it would be stupid to throw all of that away on a crush. Besides, he'd already shut out so many parts of himself when he'd moved here, put on so many different masks...what was one more? What was one more personal desire boxed away, if it meant he could continue his career as Joker, if it made his temporary life on probation easier?   
  
He wouldn't even _see_ Ann again once this year was over. Once the time he was serving ended and he moved back home, they would probably disband and move on with their lives, and none of them would ever talk again. Maybe they would try, but it definitely wouldn't last, for either friendship or a relationship. So why would he chase after something when the result would be so fleeting? A few months of happiness, and then heartbreak? Compared to that, it was better to suffer through the longing and then move on...  
  
"Akira?" Makoto prompted softly, leaning forwards in her seat. When he glanced up, she continued, lacing her fingers together. "I'm sorry that I couldn't be of more assistance to you...perhaps if I knew more about my peers, I'd have more input to give, but-"  
  
He held up a hand to interrupt as he began rising from the chair. "Don't worry about it. I...I think you told me exactly what I needed to hear, actually. So thank you, Miss President." He managed what was probably his first smile all day, even if it was thin and slightly forced.  
  
"Oh...well, you're welcome. Are you going to be alright?"  
  
"Yeah. My head's clearer, thanks to you." He started to head towards the door, but paused with his fingers gripping the handle. "Uh, you won't mention anything I said to the others, right?"  
  
"Of course not. Anything said within this room is to remain strictly confidential. I won't breathe a word."  
  
"Thanks Makoto. I really appreciate this, and I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable. If there's ever anything I can do for you, let me know. Have a nice evening."  
  
As the door shut behind him, he took in the sight of the now empty hallways, his footsteps echoing as he ascended the stairway towards the rooftop. Yeah, this was how it should be. Just him, and the loyal companion he was on his way to pick up. The friendships they had already formed were comfortable enough, and he would be a fool to jeopardize all of that.  
  
He was confident his decision was the right one.  
  
So why did his steps still feel so heavy?


	2. A Flicker in the Fog

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the long wait! There's been a lot going on irl the last few months (including surgery and my computer completely dying, oof), but I think I'm starting to get things sorted out and get back into the swing of writing (I've missed it)!
> 
> I hope you all enjoy this chapter, and thank you for sticking around! <3

"Ah, Akira! May I perhaps borrow a moment of your time?"  
  
Shrugging, he ducked away from the crowd of people he'd been following towards the stairs leading down into the mall, instead weaving his way towards Yusuke. The man was leaning against the station's wall, his right arm raised where he'd just waved and called out.  
  
"I was actually just about to text you, but it seems fate has brought you to me! How fortunate!"  
  
Running a hand through his hair, he tried not to smirk at his friend's dramatic gestures. That guy could never manage to behave normally, could he? "So what do you need, Yusuke?"  
  
"I require some assistance with my homework. I am in need of a male model, and I believe you are the only one who contains the essence I am trying to capture." Yusuke was leaning closer now, mere inches from his face as he studied him. "Yes, you are definitely the subject my masterpiece must convey! It can only be you, Akira!"   
  
Well, it was safe to say he wasn't going to be picking up that plant fertilizer today. Hopefully his new project wouldn't wilt any further before tomorrow. Taking a step back so that he had space to breathe without Yusuke shouting in his face, he rubbed the back of his neck. "Alright, when is this thing due?"  
  
"Tomorrow! We will be working throughout the entire afternoon, possibly into the evening!" He paused, excitement momentarily calming as he bowed. "I do apologize for taking up so much of your time, but in my defense, you don't look to be doing anything dreadfully important. Surely my grades are a more worthy pursuit?"   
  
Gesturing for the man to stand up, he chuckled. "It's fine, Yusuke. I'll be glad to help." Well, maybe the idea of posing for hours wasn't something he was _thrilled_ about, but...anything for a friend. Besides, with all his eccentricities, Yusuke was always entertaining to talk to. A little exhausting at times, but he had a unique perspective. "So, where are we doing this? Another trip to the lake?"  
  
"Oh no, this will require more materials than I can easily transport! To truly create my best piece, you shall be visiting my dorm. I do hope that isn't a problem."  
  
_I'm actually going to Kosei? That should be interesting._  
  
He'd always wondered what it was like over there...  
  
"Ooh, I've always wanted to see how the other half lives! I bet it's way nicer than Shujin!" Morgana piped up, finally poking his head out of the bag.   
  
"Hang on, you're not coming." he muttered firmly.   
  
"What?!? Why not?" Morgana yowled, ears flattening. "I go everywhere with you! I wanna see it! I wanna explore Kosei!"  
  
"It's too risky. You'd get bored sitting in the room for that long, and you don't know the area like you know Shujin. You could get lost." Sure, it hurt to burst his little buddy's bubble, but it was necessary. "They're strictly against pets there too, aren't they Yusuke?"  
  
"Yes, I'm afraid they are. If they spotted you, we would be in a great deal of trouble."  
  
"See? You can wait in Leblanc. I'll tell you all about it when I get back."  
  
"No fair! I won't get lost, I walk around all the time! And I'm really sneaky, they won't spot me!"  
  
"I let you walk in places we know and have been to before. This is different. And how many times has your meowing almost gotten us caught at school?"  
  
Morgana couldn't come up with a rebuttal for that one, hissing and stewing as he pouted in the bag. Sighing, he patted the backpack, turning to Yusuke. "Let me drop him off, then we can head to your place. Should I bring anything?"  
  
"Perhaps some refreshments. I spent the majority of my funds on supplies for this project, so I'm afraid I don't have much to offer you in the way of snacks."  
  
"That's fine. I'll stop by the convenience store on the way to the station."  
  
"Very well. Thank you Akira. I shall wait for you by the school gate to let you in."  
  
~~~  
  
"Yes, excellent. Just like that." Yusuke continued muttering under his breath as his hands worked the clay, eyebrows furrowed and lips pursed in concentration.   
  
A sculpture. It was definitely outside the realm of the artist's usual work, and he was sure that was why he'd put off the assignment until the day before it was due. Well, that, and the fact that from where he was posing, he could see an entire table covered in half-squashed lumps of play-doh that Yusuke had been testing techniques and giving up on. Poor guy. He hoped this one turned out well, for the sake of his sanity.   
  
"An painter is trained to look at the three dimensional and turn it into a flattened version, building up the illusion of depth through colour and shadow." Yusuke explained, rising from his station to walk a circle around his model. He tried his best not to move out of his position, even as Yusuke leaned in periodically to study him more closely. "Capturing the full model in a physical form...I must admit, it is much more difficult than it sounds. Building it up from nothing, having to give everything form yourself, while keeping it balanced enough to avoid falling or breaking...they are skills I have yet to hone."  
  
"I think you're doing a pretty good job." he offered, glancing towards the mess of clay. "You've got the basic shape down."  
  
"Akira, that is a lumpy stick figure. There is no true anatomy, no detail, the proportions are all wr-"  
  
"It's a start. Keep at it, you'll get there. Take your time."  _Maybe not too much time though. My arms feel like they're going to fall off...  
  
_ At least Morgana would feel justified, knowing that his trip alone had been filled with physical pain and boredom. Ah, sweet karma. Such was his punishment for abandoning the most loyal of companions, his mentor, the holy feline that owned his soul, the creature that deserved to be worshipped-  
  
"Perhaps I really should have gone with my strengths and sculpted the female form..." Yusuke's sudden musing pulled his thoughts away from imagining a very smug Morgana draped across a throne mocking him, and he cocked his head slightly.   
  
"I thought you said you needed a male model."  
  
"Well, if I must be fully transparent, the only requirements for the assignment were that it be a sculpture of a clothed human, and that it be four feet tall. Beyond that, we had free reign."  
  
"So what was all that stuff about 'my essence' and 'it can only be you'?" He tried not to sound too snarky, but it was really hard to imitate Yusuke's voice without it coming out a little mocking. Shooting him a glance that hopefully said he wasn't being mean, he continued. "Why'd you ask me? Ann probably would have modeled for real this time." As long as it was clothed, it should have been innocent enough. Especially since now they knew Yusuke was pretty much the farthest thing from threatening, unless you were a Shadow.  
  
"Truth be told, I was hoping to fuel your ego."  
  
"My...ego?" Now he really was interested. What the hell was Yusuke up to with this project?  
  
Yusuke reached to brush the bangs out of his eyes, grimacing when it only served to get wet clay from his fingers to cling to them. Shaking his head, he returned to prodding the arms of the sculpture into a more accurate position. "I know there are several times that I seem to miss the obvious, but I have managed to observe that you've seemed rather somber for the last few weeks. You've avoided invitations from several of us, and in many of our meetings you've appeared to be lost in thoughts unrelated to our missions. I'm not sure what exactly has prompted you to become so distant, but I thought that if I-"  
  
"Tricked me into hanging out with you?"  
  
"If I  _sculpted you,_ so that you could see the impressive qualities we all see in you, perhaps it would boost your confidence and cheer you up. After all, all great leaders deserve to have their image etched into stone. Or...into polymer clay." Yusuke chuckled, turning the half-finished statue on the table so that he could begin carving details into the back. "I really do need to complete this for class tomorrow, so please refrain from storming out. If you wish to scold me for my dishonesty though, I suppose you may feel free."  
  
"Nah. I guess if you really did need to do this, it's fine." he muttered, grimacing as he struggled to maintain his balance. "Hey, uh, if you've got the basic body down though, can you work on some other stuff for a bit while I take a break?" He wouldn't normally ask, but he was pretty sure his limbs were going to give out any moment and ruin the pose anyway.   
  
Yusuke hummed for a moment, squinting at him and back to the statue. "I suppose I could study your hair well enough from other angles, provided you refrain from that habit of running your hands through it. I have the basic facial features committed to memory already..." Licking his lips, he finally nodded, waving a hand in dismissal. "Very well, you may take a break while I carve the smaller details. We can resume your position in an hour."   
  
"Thanks." That was a lot more nonchalant than the 'Thank you holy fuck' that he wanted to gasp out, but he guessed that part carried well enough in the popping of every bone in his body as he stretched. Everything burned, he felt like living jelly. Still stiff, he had to limp over to the counter the bags of snacks were sitting on, grabbing a bag of chips, a can of potato sticks and a can of soda before he sank down onto the couch cushion next to Yusuke. Once he pulled them all open, he held one of the sticks towards the artist's mouth with a smirk. "Here. No need to be the 'starving artist.'"   
  
Still lending the majority of his focus towards the section of hair he was carving a part into, Yusuke only hummed to show his gratitude as he gripped the stick in his teeth, slowly gnawing away at it while he worked, his hands almost entirely stained gray now.  
  
They kept the silence for a good few minutes, him alternating between eating his own snack and feeding his friend fresh pieces while he watched the statue take form. It was still pretty off in places, but Yusuke was definitely getting there. Still, without having to focus on keeping himself still or listening to Yusuke's muttering, their earlier conversation kept nagging at him. Staring down at the half-empty soda can in his hands, he finally spoke up again. "Have I really looked that upset lately?"  
  
That seemed to be enough to get Yusuke to pull his focus away from the project entirely, sitting up straighter and turning to stare at him with a thin frown on his face. "To be frank, when I spotted you walking towards the mall, you looked like you were considering lying down and letting the others trample you."  
  
Well, that wasn't very far from the truth, actually. Ever since his conversation with Makoto a few days ago, he'd felt like he'd been chained down with a cement block, with most of the weight crushing his chest.   
  
"Have the others noticed?"  
  
"I don't believe so. As an artist, I'm used to picking out emotions that may not be obvious at first glance, so I suppose I'm more in tune with feelings in that regard. You're in anguish over something, even if you've been trying to act unbothered. Please...what is troubling you? We are friends, are we not? Let me assist you, as you are assisting me with this."

"I...I appreciate the offer, but I don't think you can help me with this..." It was just a burden he had to carry on his own, like so many of his leaderly duties. He was used to it, he would adjust in time. There was no need to get anyone else involved.

"Akira, I do believe I used to say that very thing, and yet you eased my troubles, even when I was convinced hope did not exist.  _Please,_  give me some credit and at least allow me to listen. If I cannot assist you, then you won't be any worse off, but if I am able to offer guidance, it will be a weight off of your shoulders." Ironically, as he said that, Yusuke put a clay-coated hand on his shoulder. He didn't shift away, not wanting to outright reject the attempt at comfort, although it would mean another late-night trip to the laundromat...

"You really aren't going to drop this, are you?"

"You are always so reserved. For once, let your troubles spill as freely from your tongue as your taunts in the Metaverse."

Ugh, he hated those grey eyes, that intense gaze that bored into his soul.  _"Fine,_  you win." He sighed, setting the bag of chips down so that he could cross his arms over his chest. "It's really nothing important though, I've just been a little down lately. I just need some time to get over it."

"But  _what_  exactly has been bringing you down?"

"I...it's complicated. I guess...You know when you  _really_  want something, but you know you can never have it? It's just not in the cards, but you can't help but think about it anyway?"

"Ah yes, I get the same feeling every time I go to the grocery store." Before he could even  _begin_  to narrow his eyes, Yusuke chuckled, patting his shoulder again. "My apologies, you looked so tense that I felt compelled to try and lighten the mood. Please continue."

"Anyway, so you're trying to move on, but it's like you're missing a piece..."

"Ah, like a hole you wish to fill..."

"Yeah..."

"Does this by any chance have something to do with your probation? Are you homesick?"

"Huh? No, it's nothing like that. Actually, it'd probably be easier if it was." An exasperated chuckle slipped past his lips, and he sighed, keeping his gaze on the table. "Then at least it wouldn't be here taunting me..."

Yusuke's eyebrows furrowed. "Taunting you? Would you mind elaborating?"

"Uh, it's just..." He had to choose his words carefully now.  _Stay vague._  "The problem's kind of in Tokyo. It's around all the time, so it's not something I can get away from."

"Earlier, you said it was something you wanted, but now you wish you could get away from it. Where is the logic in that, praytell?"

"Well, like I said, I can't have it, so...it'd be easier if I didn't see it all the time." Even if it hurt to be apart, it was so much  _more_  painful now whenever he had to look her in the eyes during meetings, constantly talk to her during class...

"So you're simply going to bury your head in the proverbial sand until it stops hurting,  _if_  it ever stops?" There was a hint of disdain to Yusuke's voice now, and he had to fight the urge to get defensive, instead letting his friend  finish. "Akira, if you desire something that strongly, I don't believe it would be in your best interest to try and suppress it. When you do that, your desires will only become warped, or manifest into something else. Surely you've learned that much from all of our missions in the Metaverse?"

"Yusuke, I get what you're trying to say, but I can't-"

_"Who_  said you can't have it? Are you going to be breaking any laws?"

"Er, no, but-"

"Would you be happier having obtained it?"

"That's not the point."

"On the contrary, that is  _exactly_  the point!" Yusuke blurted out, suddenly rising from his seat and beginning to pace around to the other side of the table. From his current seat on the couch, it almost looked like the taller boy was backlit by the heavens, even if it was only the lightbulb on the ceiling. Leave it to an artist to find a way to be  _so dramatic_  in a perfectly casual dorm room. That piercing gaze continued to stare him down as Yusuke kept talking, his arms flying around in sweeping gestures as he gave his speech (complete with bits of dried clay flinging off of his fingers in every direction).

This had been a mistake. He could see that clearly now. He should have ignored the man's prodding, instead of trying to explain an issue he couldn't  _actually_  explain. How could Yusuke see his side, when he couldn't tell him  _why_  he had to solve this the way he had?

"Akira, forgive me, but it sounds like your limitations are merely self-imposed! If the treasure you desire is within your grasp, by any means necessary, you  _MUST_  grasp it! You only get one chance in this life, do not allow your dreams to pass you by if you have  _the slightest_  means to achieve them! If it doesn't work out, then at least you will have taken the risk. But allow yourself to  _imagine,_  just for a moment, if it  _does_  work out, how much would that enrich your life?"

"It's not that easy-"

"But it  _is,_  Akira! When I start a new piece, do I know  _exactly_  how it will work out every time? No, the result may be different from what I kept envisioning, it might be  _wonderful._  The important thing is that I took the leap and started!" Yusuke leaned forward, slamming his hands down on the table to look him straight in the eyes. " _You_  have told  _us_  time and again to take a leap of faith, to  _believe_  in beating the odds and achieving our goals, to make ourselves happy. Leader, it is time for you to take your own advice! Follow your heart, obtain your treasure! The reward will be worth the risk!"

_But I..._

His protest stayed stuck on his tongue, the intensity of Yusuke's speech silencing him for a moment.

_He threw my own advice back in my face?_ _How_ _can I argue against that?_

'Imagine, just for a moment, if it  _does_  work out-' He  _had_ imagined it, and it had been like a dream...

Yusuke almost always had his head stuck in the clouds though. He followed passion over reality, but even if that was nice in theory, it wasn't how the world worked.

_Isn_ _'t it though? That's_ **_literally_ ** _how the Metaverse works._

Fuck. Leave it to Yusuke to put fairy tales back in his head.

"We should probably get back to work. I have to be back before Boss opens the door in the morning." It was said casually, but after working together for so long, his comrade caught the sharper command behind it.

"Of course. Please resume your position. I believe it should only be a few more hours."

The room was completely, blissfully silent after that exchange, the only noises being the soft sounds of hands and water mixing with clay, or the clattering of tools when the artist reached for more sculpting supplies. However, even if Yusuke was no longer talking to him, his words kept repeating in his ears, and he spent those hours running through the speech over and over. Analyzing it from his own perspective, from Yusuke's, and at one point even Makoto's.

_Think of all the trouble it would cause for everyone else. How much trouble it would cause for you if it goes wrong._

_Follow your heart, or protect everyone else's. Either way, somebody's getting theirs broken._

_Damn_ _it,_ _Yusuke_ _!_

He'd been so  _sure_  before, that he was doing the right thing, but now...

_I'm right back where I started..._

"Akira! Tell me you haven't fallen asleep with your eyes open!"

Yusuke's chuckling snapped him out of his thoughts, and he flinched, wrecking the pose he'd been holding as he tried to find his balance. "Crap, sorry!"

"It's alright, you no longer have to pose for me. I was trying to tell you we were finished!" Stepping away from the table, the gray-armed man gestured towards his sculpture, still glistening in the light where it hadn't quite dried. "Come, take a look at your own glory!"

"My  _glory?_  Laying it on a little thick, aren't you?" Shaking his head, he stretched and ambled over to the table, adjusting his glasses as he peered at the sculpture. He had to admit, Yusuke had really found his stride since before their break. The partings and carvings in the hair were crisp and layered, the clothes flowed well, and while the anatomy wasn't anything  _Michaelangelo_  would create, he'd say it was pretty good, for what a non-artist's critique was worth. "You really did a great job here. If the teacher doesn't give you the highest grade, I might have to arrange a little road trip." he chuckled, offering the first smile to grace his lips in hours.

"Aha, thank you. I am aware of some issues I'll have to take into account next time I take on a project like this, but it really is adequate for my first attempt. I'm quite pleased. But enough about my sculpting skills. I want you to look closer."

"Alright. At what?"

"His, er,  _your_  expression. I took some liberties from that sulky one that seems to be your default."

"I'll try not to take offense to that."

"Excellent. Honestly though, tell me what you see."

Shrugging, he stepped around to look from a different angle, well aware of Yusuke's eager gaze boring into him. "Uh...he looks satisfied, I guess?"

"How so?"

"Not in a cocky way. Just...content. Confident. Like he has everything he could need, and can get anything else."

"Do you know why?"

"Huh?" What was this, some kind of art quiz?

"Because he  _can._   _You_  can. Embody this sculpture. Be the kind of leader this one is. The man who can take on the world and win, the one who isn't afraid to reach for a goal and take hold of it. Have  _hope,_  Akira." With that final little speech out of his system, Yusuke strode over to the sink, ready to finally scrub enough clay off to make a  _second_ sculpture. "I will not pester you any further, you are free to go. Just please, keep my advice in mind, will you? And don't worry, the next time I invite you somewhere, it will simply be to 'hang out', no ulterior motives."

"Alright." As he was heading towards the door, he called back with a slight smile. "I do appreciate you checking up on me, Yusuke. It's good to know I've got a friend like you."

With that, he was out the door and soon on the subway, staring out the window.

_Would he still be my friend though? I was so distracted when he was lecturing me, I never did figure out how to ask how he felt about Ann..._

Finally free to run his hands through his hair, he buried his fingers in the strands, groaning under his breath.

_What if he's right though? Should I just try to go for it, before it's too late?_  He might still have a chance, and if Yusuke was so adamant about him taking it...

_Would I be happy?_

Would it come with a cost?

**"YONGEN-GAYA. WELCOME TO YONGEN-GAYA."**

The steps towards Leblanc were quiet, but it did nothing to quell the argument brewing in his head. Desires were complicated. Even after all of the work they did in the Metaverse, it was still hard to define when pursuing them was okay, and when it shifted into an obsession, or immoral. When was it okay to put yourself first, and when should you sit back and focus on other people's needs?

"Mrow, you're  _finally_  back! You need to get to bed soon, but first, tell me  _all_  about Kosei!"

Locking the shop door behind him, he followed Morgana up the stairs, unable to help grinning at his enthusiasm.

"They've got a full sushi bar on the ground floor, and students can eat for half-price on weekdays."

"LIAR!" The feline yowled, smacking his head with a forepaw as he flopped onto the bed. "Don't tease me, tell me what it was really like!"

"Alright, alright..." Fighting back a yawn, he started recounting every detail he could think of, watching with amusement as Mona soaked up each word, baby blue eyes shining.

Right. He should be focusing on Mona right now, not his own inner debate...


	3. Mews and Musings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! This chapter was actually almost entirely written before I took that unplanned break, I just couldn't post it (it was also the first chapter I wrote for the fic bc my writing process makes no sense oops). 
> 
> It's a bit on the short side, but the next few will be longer! I think there's about 2 or 3 chapters left, unless I end up splitting/merging some stuff during editing!

"Don't you think Lady Ann was pawsitively  _radiant_ in the sunlight today? Her hair looked like spun gold, glittering from the touch of the angels...~" Morgana's purr was so earnest, so wistful, and he half-expected to see flesh and fur melt into goo right before his eyes. As cute as it was to see such sparkling eyes on Mona though, all he could focus on was the awkward knot in his chest.   
  
"I...I guess she looked fine." he muttered with a shrug, rising from his seat on the couch to make his way over to the crafting desk. Right, now what were they low on?  _We definitely need more lockpicks. An extra GoHo-M, maybe a smoke ball too..._  
  
"Come on, that sounded so noncommittal! She deserves more appreciation!" Morgana huffed, his fur poofing up. "You're allowed to compliment her you know, I won't claw you for speaking the truth...just don't be _too_ detailed about it!"  
  
The tweezers clenched too tightly, and the metal he'd been adjusting snapped in two. He dug through his pile of supplies for a new piece with a sigh. "Morgana, I really don't have anything to say about her."  
  
"Why are you being so dodgy? What's wrong with complimenting a friend?"  
  
This time the lockpick in progress bent the wrong way and curled, and he clenched his jaw, carefully setting it into the defect pile.  _Why won't you just drop it?_  He tried his best not to glareat the furry distraction when he turned to speak. "There's nothing  _wrong_  with it. I just don't have anything to bring up. She's a good friend, but that's about all I can say."  _Without hurting anyone..._  
  
Morgana narrowed his eyes, looking slightly offended. "Just a good friend? You can't even admit she's  _pretty?"_ That last sentence was meowed with a huff, as if he'd hurt Lady Ann's very self-esteem by not agreeing aloud.  
  
"I think you say that often enough for both of us."  _Now just let me work._ If he was casual enough, disinterested enough, maybe Morgana would give up and go swoon quietly somewhere else. Why did he always need an audience to listen to him gush?  
  
"Ohhh, I think I know! You  _like_  someone, don't you!?! That's why you're so blind to her charms! It would be a  _betrayal_  to compliment another girl's appearance when you see such beauty in someone else!" Morgana purred, leaping onto the craft table and staring at him with a muzzle that looked way too smug. "Who is it, Frizzy-hair? You _did_  spend a long time alone in the council room last week...is it Makoto? I always thought you two had chemistry! You have such similar interests and mindsets, the two of you would be a true couple of leaders! Ah, and you seemed curious about her in the library before  _everything,_ remember? You two were destined to meet!"  
_  
Makoto? Is he serious? First Sojiro thought we were together, and now him!?!_  
  
"Ooh, your face is getting red! Looks like somebody's had his heart stolen! Mrowhowhowhoww~"  
  
"I  _don't_  have a crush on Makoto!"  _Too snippy. Reign in the defensiveness._  Coughing once, as if that would somehow alleviate the growing embarrassment at this whole awkward conversation, he tried to calm his voice. "Look, she's nice, but...she's not really my type. In fact, we're probably  _too_  similar. Why would I want to date myself?"  
  
"You sure seem to love your dates with the mirror when you're fixing your hair..." The soft murmur was barely there, but he still shot his roommate a glare. Morgana was quick to flinch, ears flattening under the harsh gaze. "Kidding, kidding! But if it isn't her... _hmmm_...so you want someone very different than you are..." He held a paw to his chin, squinting at him.  
  
"Morgana, drop it."  
  
"No! You're always too secretive! Friends share this kind of information, and I'm your very  _best_  friend! Besides, as your mentor, I need to know so that I can instruct you on making the  _purrfect_  move to- _wait."_ Morgana froze midsentence, eyes going wide as he set his paw back down, needing all of them for stability.  
  
The look of horror on the feline's face sent fresh nerves rippling through him.  _He's figured it out. Oh geez, he's figured it out. I've betrayed him, crushed his hopes and dreams, destroyed his world. He hates me. He's going to hate me._  
  
"Mona, I-I..." His voice was going soft, shaking, and he had to pause to try and collect himself, slowly reaching towards his friend. Would petting his head ease the blow? He couldn't bring his fingers all the way there, pulling his hand back at the last moment to run through his own hair. "I...um..."  
  
"Akira. I'm so disappointed...I really thought you were better than this..." Oh geez, he was shaking his head with such sad eyes...  
  
"I know, and I'm _so_ sorry...I-I know I should have told you earlier, but-"  
  
_"Damn right_  you should have told me earlier!" the creature hissed, fur running along his spine. The fur relaxed a moment later as the burst of anger fizzled, and his shoulders slumped, whole body sagging. "I can't believe I didn't notice all of the signs...Akira, how  _could_  you?"  
  
"I...I don't know exactly, it just kind of...I-I mean..."  
  
"HOW COULD YOU SINK AS LOW AS  _RYUJI?!?"_ Morgana suddenly yowled. "OF  _ALL_  THE PEOPLE, WHY _RYUJI?!?"_  
  
To say he was startled was an understatement. After the stomach-churning, heart-wrenching guilt and fear he'd just experienced, the name shooting with such disgust from Mona's curled lips was enough to empty his brain completely. He could only muster up enough processing power for one word. "What?"  
  
"It's so _obvious,_   _gyahhh!"_  Mona slapped his forehead against the desk, whining pitifully. "It hit me when I said 'best friend'! You two are so close, but you're completely different people! He's always dragging you into new experiences, and you're always getting clingy and trying to hug him and stuff even though he hates it, but sometimes he lets you because you're such a dork! You're so loyal to him it almost makes me sick, and you always perk up when he's around, and you two text each other at unholy hours of the morning when you're  _supposed_  to be sleeping...ughhh,  _why_ do you have such low standards?"  
  
"Wait, Mona, I-"  
  
"I mean, if you pick a guy, it's fine, but why are you attracted to one who belches at the table and then  _laughs about it?!?_  Gentleman thieves _do not_ belch! He's so  _gross!"_  Morgana whined, feigning a gagging motion. Well, actually, if he was talking about Ryuji, he very well might actually be gagging.   
  
_Please don't puke on my crafting table..._  
  
"Come on, he's not that bad! Technically, he saved you from that cell too! You might still be there if he hadn't come along!"  
  
Morgana flinched for a second, clearly caught off guard by the reminder that the man he  _oh so loathed_ was one of his saviors. However, he recovered just as quickly, leaning closer with a smirk. "Ooh, getting  _awfully defensive_  of him, aren't you?"  
  
"I'm not-well, I  _am,_  but  _not_  because-"  
  
"Oh, just save your breath, Akira! I hit the nail on the head, and you know it!" Oh, how could a cat look _so damn smug?_  "Just admit you have awful taste and get this over with.~"   
  
He hated how badly his face was burning right now, knowing that Morgana would only take it as proof of his point, and not because, oh, being interrogated and teased about a crush you didn't even have was  _mortifying._  The idea of him with Ryuji was downright  _weird_  to think about. Yeah, he was great, and admittedly attractive in his own way, but...no. No, he definitely couldn't see anything beyond friendship there.   
  
He licked his lips, trying to find the words to convince the little demon that he really didn't have any hidden feelings for his best friend. Something concrete, leaving no room for doubt, but not seeming so defensive that it became futile.  
_  
Wait. This...might be my only opportunity._  
  
Morgana was stubborn. Stubborn, and nosey. If his theory was turned down, it would only motivate him to keep guessing and poking around until he found the real answer. They didn't exactly have many friends (hell, or just people he interacted with) around here, and half of the ones they did have were adults. Eventually...Ann would be the only option left.  
  
_It's perfect, actually. I could play it completely one-sided, and then he'd never ask me again._  
  
Thankful that his blush hadn't eased up yet, he made a point of glancing away from Mona, hiding under his hair as he tapped his fingers together. "I..." A soft, defeated groan as he laid his head down on the table, arms curled around his head to muffle his words. "He's the epitome of sex appeal."  
_  
"Yuck!_  I had such high hopes for you, and you threw it away for a mass of sweat and body odor..." Mona huffed, headbutting him. A drawn-out, dramatic sigh filled the air as the feline flopped down next to him, one paw patting his head as best he could. "Ah, so you too walk the lonely path of forbidden affection...to be plagued by a love so deep, and yet  _the world itself_  fights to keep you both apart! I know that pain all too well, my dear protégé!"  
  
_Could you lay it on any thicker? Shakespeare'd better watch out...  
  
_ "So that's why you've seemed so uncomfortable at our meetings lately, and why you've been moping around. It all makes sense now! I know it hurts, Akira, but you can't give up!" The paw became more insistent, poking his nose a few times until he dragged his head back up to look Morgana in the eyes. The creature before him was standing tall now, determined as could be. "If I'm honest, I don't think Ryuji swings that way, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't still  _try!_  Tell him how you feel, bear your open heart with honesty and all the charm you can muster! You have a chance, and if anyone can be impressive enough to get him to consider it, it's you!"  
  
_Oh no._  "Uh, I don't think that's really how it works-"  
  
"Come on, have some courage! You're a real catch, and even if he can't see that at first, he might still be touched! He's your best friend, right? Even if he doesn't feel the same way, he wouldn't hate you or anything! There's nothing to lose, and everything to gain!"  
_  
I didn't think he'd be this pushy. I figured he'd just tease me and then tell me to never bring it up again...Why is he trying to be my wingman?  
  
Play it shy, nervous._  He shook his head, scooting the chair further away from the desk. "U-Uh, like you said, he doesn't swing that way! Besides, I know I've read some books, b-but, uh...I really don't think I can pull any of it off." Lies. He'd practiced half of those lines until he knew them by heart, he could snatch a rose between his teeth...he wasn't  _only_  capable of being suave when he was Joker. "Mona, I'd...I'd rather we just kept this between us..." A soft admission, half-whispered as he sank in his seat, running a hand through his hair.  _"Please..."  
_  
"Oh,  _Akira..."_ Mona frowned, ears sinking as he spoke more softly. "Are you really that afraid to tell him?" There was no judgement or teasing in his tone, just genuine inquiry, and a hint of pity.   
  
_Why do you have to be so sweet sometimes? It's a lot easier to lie when you're being an asshole._  
  
"What if...I mean, it could ruin everything. Things wouldn't be the same."  
  
"True, things wouldn't be the same either way. But a step towards change is still a step worth taking, even if it's difficult. If you spend your whole life terrified of changing anything, you'll never move forward. You'll just be stuck, and unhappy."  
  
"I'd be just as unhappy if our friendship collapsed..."  
  
"Akira, your friendship wouldn't collapse. Our bonds are all too strong for that, believe me." Mona meowed, staring at him with a firm blue gaze. "It might shift a little, one way or another, but Ryuji wouldn't abandon you." After a moment of silence, the feline sighed, flexing his claws into the wooden desk. "If I could feasibly confess to Lady Ann right now, I would. But, you know, there's kind of a big, impractical wrench in that plan. Once I get my form back though, and turn into a human...I'd confess right away. She might reject me, or she might swoon and kiss me right then and there, I don't know for sure. But the important thing is I'd lay it all out in the open, so that there weren't any more secrets between us. And I believe, either way, she would appreciate my honesty, and it would be a weight off of my shoulders." 

 _Honesty._  That was a virtue much easier said than put into practice...

Arching his back in a stretch, the feline lashed his tail. "I won't force you to tell him if you aren't ready yet, but if I were you, I'd consider it. You've got your chance right there, without any roadblocks, and it's worth taking before you risk losing it. That's all I have to say, I guess." Morgana leaped back off the table to land on the bed, kneading the blanket before he curled up to rest. "Don't stay up too late making tools, okay? If you're not in bed by the next hour, I'll claw you!"   
  
Despite the words, it was an empty threat. For once, Morgana seemed to have given him the mercy of an extended curfew, and after another yawn, the feline was completely asleep, his hind legs occasionally twitching in the lamplight. 

 _I wonder what he's chasing after..._  Lips curving into a small smile, he turned back around to focus on the metal pieces in his hands. The process was much smoother now that he didn't have someone distracting him. Or at least, it was for about four lockpicks.

He was still distracted by Morgana, but this time it was his earlier words that kept nagging him.

A weight off of his shoulders...it was hard to imagine. He'd spent so long with that heavy pressure plaguing him, it almost seemed natural. A fact of life, just like the rest of the challenges that had been dumped onto him since he'd moved here.

And all that stuff about taking chances before it was too late...Yusuke had tried to tell him the same thing, in a much more drawn-out way.

_That's two votes against Makoto's advice..._

Was it better to trust the majority though, if they were both the members of the group who got carried away so often? How many times had they gone off on tangents or done plain  _ridiculous_  things, just because they rushed in on passion alone?

Although, sometimes passion and following a whim had been the keys to success in their missions. When you spent ages overthinking the possibilities and repercussions, you could miss the simpler answer right in front of you.

_Passion._

How many times had Ann discussed the meaning of that word during their cafe days? Digging into the very essense of tv shows or novels, debating which parts were exaggerated in fiction and which were based on real feelings, the kind that sent your heart racing and your head spinning. The ignition of flame and the slow burn afterwards, warming you from the inside out...

_I'm not making any progress here._

Sighing, he set his tools down, spinning in his chair so that he could study the poster on the corner wall. He couldn't make out every detail in the dimmed lighting, but the basic form of the idol was still there, along with her smile.

_I'm not making any progress at all like this._

He was slacking on everything, losing motivation...was it really better to suffer for everyone, if they were still being impacted by his actions now? If Yusuke had noticed, and Morgana at least had an  _inkling_ , then he was really slipping up...

' _I'd lay it all out in the open, so there were no more secrets between us...'_

_Maybe it really would be better to just get it over with. No matter how it turns out, it'd be easier than this..._

No more hiding, no more overthinking. Just rip off the band-aid in a single confession, and hope it turned out okay. At the very least, that the group wouldn't dissolve...

 _Alright. I'm going to tell her._ The thought alone made his stomach twist, but it couldn't be worse than the way he'd felt in the last few weeks. And the poster seemed to be giving him a look of encouragement. Bright, cheerful, like the world was waiting. A lot like Ann's during photoshoots...

Switching off the lamp completely, he slowly felt his way over to the bed, setting his glasses on the nightstand and ignoring the flashing of blurry messages on the screen. The blanket veiled him like a cloak, effectively shutting out his surroundings, spare the warm presense of the animal wrigging to press against his side. He was exhausted, but at the same time he felt like he wasn't going to get a wink of sleep tonight.

 _I was never this_ _nervous_ _during the last days of an infiltration..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little more humorous than the other chapters, but hopefully it was enjoyable! I promise it actually does have a point in the plot later c;
> 
> I'm not bashing Ryuji I swear lol, I actually love him


	4. Digging Deeper

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had so much fun writing this chapter but my eyes are dying, I skipped dinner, it's past midnight...this was a labor of love and I hope you enjoy this next installment! Many thanks to my very patient readers, I'm doing the best I can with my limited computer time but my goal is to get this fic finished and posted before November!

"Alright then, it appears everyone is in agreement. Is there anything else, leader?" Makoto clicked the Buchimaru pen in her right hand, glancing up from the itinerary she was writing to focus her gaze on him. He had to admit, it was nice to have someone on the team who wanted to write all of this stuff down, _insisted_ even. It saved them a lot of the smaller squabbles they'd used to have whenever someone misheard or misremembered the plans they'd discussed.  
  
"No. I think that covers it. Thanks, Makoto." He nodded at her, reaching his arms up and behind him in a stretch until a popping sound was heard. "Remember guys, Mementos in two days." With that, the others began gathering their bags up and spreading out, although not quite dispersing. Morgana had ended up in yet another spat with Ryuji, and somehow Yusuke had been dragged into giving his opinion on the debate. Content to give his companion a bit more free time before he would be stuffed back into the bag, he let it hang loosely from his shoulder, turning to gaze out the massive window at the buildings beyond.  
  
_It's a nice day out. Sunny, but with a breeze to offset the heat. Not a cloud in sight..._  
  
Well, except for the cloud that had been looming over his head all day. The one full of half-baked thoughts and plans, questions and possible answers, even the occasional voice chiming in from the personas he was carrying. Leanan Sidhe had been especially persistent, but not very helpful with exactly _what_ to say. Arsene had offered some amusingly suave lines, but they were the type of things better suited for pickups, or at least once they were already together and teasing. He didn't want to come off _too_ flirtatious when he was first asking Ann...not after all she'd been through. No, it had to be something gentler, realer. No masks, not even Joker's.  
  
"Uh, hey, Akira? _Akira."_  
  
He hadn't actually registered what the dim voice was saying until his name was spoken with a hint of sharpness, and he shook his head, trying to bring himself out of his own mindfog and into the world around him. Turning around with a questioning hum, he found himself facing the very person he'd just forced himself to stop picturing. She was standing there with one hand on her hip, bathed in the sunlight shining in from the window behind him. _Mona was right...her hair really does look like spun gold..._ "O-Oh, Ann...Sorry, I didn't hear you..."  
  
"Yeah...but I guess I should be used to that by now, right?" Her muttering was so quiet that he wasn't sure if it was actually meant for him, but he'd definitely heard it as she pressed her other hand to her temple. There was a simmer in her tone too, and he found the momentary peace he'd discovered near this window evaporating, nerves slipping back in.   
  
_Should I let that comment slide, or was she wanting me to respond?_ Cocking his head so that his bangs fell out of the way, he let one hand grip the railing behind him, propping himself up against it as he stared back at bright blue eyes. "Is something wrong?" he prompted, making sure to keep his voice in the same calm tone he used to settle disagreements on missions. If she was riled up over something, it was probably best not to let his own nerves show, or things would only escalate.  
  
Ann raised her eyebrows for a second, but they suddenly knitted back together, her arms shifting to cross over her chest as she exhaled, lips humming together with the quick burst of hot air. _"Seriously?_ You _can't_ be that clueless." Apparently he took a few seconds too long to reply, because just as he'd started to part his lips, her own tightened in a thin line. "I was actually trying to _ask you_ the same question."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Don't think I haven't _noticed!_ You've been acting weird! Except...only around me." That next part was said more quietly, the momentary blaze of Panther's temper whisked out by the air of unease. She uncrossed her arms and shoved her hands inside her jacket pockets, licking her lips once while she picked her next words. "It's pretty obvious you've been avoiding me."  
  
"Ann, I haven't been avoiding you! I've just been-"  
  
Her glare cut him off, just as intense as he'd seen in the Metaverse, and for a split second he honestly expected her to pull out her whip. _"Don't_ lie to me, Akira. Even someone like you isn't _that_ busy _only_ on the days I ask to hang out. You barely answer my texts, and when I try to talk during meetings you're always paying attention to someone else, or you rush to agree with what I say without actually listening to _why_ I said it..." Sighing again, her expression softened, her posture loosening as she scuffed a shoe against the white tile floor. "If there's some kinda problem on my end, just _tell me_ so I can work on it, okay? We're a team, right? We have to communicate. So just... _tell me_ what I've done that's been bothering you..."  
  
_You haven't done anything!_ She'd tried to take on a calmer tone towards the end, but the pain in her voice was clear, and a pit dropped in his stomach. _I really fucked up._ He'd honestly been so busy lately trying to keep his own feelings in check, he hadn't actually considered how she'd take the slow dropping of contact. Apparently he'd been a lot more obvious in his dodging than he'd thought. Less like ghosting, more straight up ditching...  
  
Inhaling slowly, he straightened up to look at her more intensely, although he couldn't help reaching back to fluff up his hair. "Listen, Ann, I can explain everything. I-"  
  
"ANN! May I borrow you for a moment?" The voice had called from across the hall, shoes clicking on tile for the briefest moment to give them notice before Makoto skidded to a stop next to them. Huffing, she took a second to brush some scattered hair back behind her ear, but then the junior straightened up again, dipping her head for only a second. "Pardon my interruption, but if you two are simply socializing, I really need Ann's assistance with something. Ann, would you please come with me?"  
  
"Right now? We were kind of talking about somethi-"  
  
Makoto kept speaking before Ann could finish, looking up at her with a pleading scarlet gaze. "I wouldn't ordinarily ask, but I'm afraid I've still been reconfiguring my calendar to adapt to our new activities, and a few of my Council Tasks have managed to slip under the radar. There's a mountain of paperwork that I have to sort through, including quite a few for your homeroom class! I really need you to help look through those if I have any hope of turning them in to the teachers tomorrow morning!"  
  
"Oh, gosh, that does sound like a lot..." Ann grimaced. "But Akira and I are in the same class, remember? He could come along too, if you need that much help! We'll all tackle it together!"  
  
"Ah, no-no, that's alright! Er, I actually think three people would be overkill for a task like this, perhaps I ended up hyperbolizing it a tad! It should only take a few hours between the two of us! Besides, I'm sure our leader has quite a few things on his plate today already, don't you, Akira? We did just discuss the supply rations, after all, and I believe you mentioned that acquaintance you know might have some new replicas in?"  
  
"Uh, yeah, I did. But-"  
  
"See, you're my only option, Ann! I'll repay you with crepes after we're finished, from that really nice shop you like! But we really need to catch the train back and get to work before it gets dark!"  
  
"I...Okay, okay! Fine, I'll help you! I guess it is kind of _our fault_ you've gotten so behind, you have way more going on in this world than the rest of us..." Makoto was already pulling her back towards the stations by the hand, gasping out her thanks to the both of them and offering a half-hearted wave to their other friends before the duo disappeared around the corner.   
  
_Are you kidding me?_ Of all the times to be interrupted. The whole sudden event had left him a little dazed as he took a moment to process it, blinking as he tried to get his jumbled thoughts in order. _Makoto's the most organized person I know. And we haven't even had a Mementos mission in days, this was just a catchup meeting. She's had plenty of free time._ Shaking his head, he was about to collect Mona and head after them when his phone vibrated.   
  
**[MAKOTO]** I couldn't hear anything you two were saying from where I was standing, but you looked rather uncomfortable, cornered and interrogated like that.  
**  
[MAKOTO]** I figured it was my turn to rescue you for a change. You're welcome.  
  
**[MAKOTO]** I'll attempt to speak with her and calm her down. Rest assured, I won't be saying anything compromising. Perhaps I can uncover just how much she knows, or at least the answers to those questions you had during our counseling session.  
**  
[MAKOTO]** You'll need to figure out a new method to deal with this dilemma, of course. Clearly avoidance isn't conducive to a functioning team dynamic, or your friendship.  
  
**[MAKOTO]** I'll leave the door open tomorrow if you'd like to discuss anything. I must go for now though. I really do have paperwork to sort.  
  
Huffing, he shoved the phone back into his pocket, staring out the window with furrowed brows. _I know she thought she was helping me, but that was literally the worst thing she could have done. I don't want to 'deal with this', I want to give it a shot, even if it's uncertain!_  
  
He couldn't exactly tell Makoto to bring Ann back though. She'd already stuck her neck out with an elaborate story for him, and they were on the train heading to the school right now...might as well let her follow through for today. _Maybe...maybe it's for the best though. If Ann's still mad at me, I'd like to let her cool off first. She's a lot better at listening when she's calmer..._  
  
Nothing would ruin a heartfelt love confession like someone yelling at you because they think you hate them, right? He had to clear that misconception up first. _I'll text her tonight and invite her to our café tomorrow afternoon...I can explain everything there. Yeah. A familiar setting will help both of us._  
  
"Hah, he officially took my side! I win!"  
  
_"What!?!_ Come on, Yusuke, _for real!?!"_  
  
"I may only speak the truth of my interpretation. As I see it, the hypothetical scenario you have both described lies in his favour. _AH!_ Actually, now that I have pictured it, that would make one truly intriguing painting! I MUST RETURN TO MY DORM AND GRAB MY SUPPLIES AT ONCE! FAREWELL!"   
  
And as he heard Yusuke scrambling away, footsteps stomped towards him, accompanied by snickering. "Akira, your damn cat's a _DICK!"_  
  
_"Mrowhowhow~_ You're just upset because you know you can't match my intellect, even though _you're_ the one who's been going to school everyday!"  
  
"Shut up, fleabag! And you've been goin' to school too! I'll bet you were dumb as rocks before Akira shoved you in that desk!"  
  
"Doesn't that just prove I've actually been _learning_ though? And yet you still can't retain anything from your classes...how sad..."  
  
"That's not-I-SHUT THE EFF UP! YOU _SUCK!"_ Ryuji glared daggers at the cat, stomping his foot on the ground with a groan. "Yo Akira, come with me to the arcade? If ya' don't want me skinnin' the damn furball alive, I've gotta hit some moles with a mallet or somethin'!"  
  
"Good, pick a target that can't run away. It's the only thing you can hit reliably!" Mona was smirking, _dangerously close_ to the blonde's feet, and he rushed to scoop up his companion and drop him in the bag. Clearing his throat, he put on his Joker Voice, casting them each a stern glare.  
  
"Hey, _knock it off._ Both of you."  
  
"Ugh, fine! Only 'cause you're so attached to that thing..."  
  
"Ditto." Mona huffed, licking a paw to draw over his ruffled headfur. 

Rolling his eyes, he turned the bag to the side away from Ryuji. Honestly, he _really_ didn't feel like doing anything now that his emotions had been on a roller coaster, but if Yusuke had said he'd been obviously drained, he needed to put in the effort to repair the relationships with his other teammates. _I don't want them feeling as neglected as Ann.  
  
_ Before he could even say yes, there was an insistent hiss in his ear, and felt Mona's tail thump against his neck. "You've got _a chance_ here...~" the feline whispered. _  
  
Oh, right..._ Forcing a smile, he nodded. "Yeah, the arcade sounds fine. I'm in." _  
  
_ "Sweet! I'm gonna crush ya' dude! Race ya' there?" _  
  
"Hell no._ I'm walking." Even if he'd been training in track stuff with Ryuji, he was still nowhere near fast enough. And his stamina...yeah, he'd be a sweaty, collapsed mess by the halfway point.  
  
"Good choice, Akira!" Morgana purred, tapping his shoulder with a paw in approval. "I don't want to be thrown all around in here!" _  
  
_ "Ugh, _fine wusses,_ you can walk! But I'm gonna jog a few feet ahead of ya', this peaceful week has left me _rarin' to go!"  
  
_ Trying to brush the previous events out of his mind, he focused on watching Ryuji as his friend began jogging ahead, keeping his own pace to a timely stroll as they made their way out of the gates and back onto the streets. There was quiet for a few minutes, minus Ryuji's occasional hollered trash talk, but once there was a decent distance between them, Morgana spoke up again.  
  
"I still don't get what you see in him...is it the arms? I guess I could admit his arms are pretty muscular, and he's always showing them off with those sleeveless shirts..." The feline's meows were interrupted by a long, forlorn sigh. "I wish _I_ had arms like that..."  
  
Shaking his head at the sad mews coming from the backpack, he refocused his attention on Ryuji, taking a deep breath as he stopped and stared at his target. _I was going to tell him after I asked Ann, but if we're already here...I kind of have to, don't I?_  
  
_Just think of it like a negotiation. You're good at negotiating. Say the right things, and he won't beat you to a pulp for swooping in and stealing his childhood crush even though you're only gonna be here for a year. Yeah, total Best Friend of the Year, aren't you?_  
  
"So, is today the day you spill the beans? There's still time to back out if you're not feeling up to this..." There was movement against his back, and a tongue brushing his neck, smoothing down a stray curl. He wanted to reach back and scratch his companion's head as thanks for the comfort, but...he still wasn't sure if he _deserved_ this comfort after what he was going to do to Morgana too...  
  
Forcing a braver smile, he tried to straighten up some. "I'm gonna do it. Now or never, right?"  
  
"That's the spirit! I'm so proud of you!" Morgana purred. "So, do you need me to stick around for moral support?"  
  
"Actually, I think I'd prefer if you went on a walk."  
  
"Fair enough. I'd rather not have to watch his tongue get _rammed down your throat_ once you woo him, _blech!"_  
  
"Wrong. I'll seek you out once I'm done nursing my wounds and bleeding heart from a horrible rejection. You'll have to drag me to Takemi by your teeth and paw at the door."  
  
"Oh _shhh,_ don't talk like that! You'll do fine! Now go on! _Woo him!"_  
  
With that, Morgana leapt out of the bag, headbutting his leg until he started walking. The feline was quick to camouflage himself within the shadows of the nearby alleyway, but he was all too aware of the eager blue gaze boring into his back. So much for going on a walk.  
  
_Well. Here we go.  
  
_ Sighing, he strode forwards again, finally catching up to where Ryuji was leaning against the arcade's wall. "Dude _, finally!_ What'd ya' do, stop to take a nap back there?!?"  
  
"I was just thinking. About a lot of things, I guess."  
  
"Yeah?" It was an idle question, lazily hummed between tired lips as Ryuji pulled his arms behind his head.   
  
"Yeah, like..."  Taking a breath, he stepped closer. _Please forgive me for this._ "L-Like...how your eyes look in the sunlight, like melting chocolate...~"  _  
_  
_"Huh?"_  
  
_This is so cheesy, I'm going to kill him..._ "They're stunning. _Y-You're_ stunning. I know it's dyed, but your hair's _just as enchanting_ as someone who's natural, your biceps are more chiseled than _any_ of those godly statues Yusuke makes us look at in museums, you run like a gazelle-"  
  
"A _what?"_  
  
"And I know you've said stuff before, and those guys at Shinjuku were total creeps, but, uh, listen... I like you. L-Like, _really_ like you. I have since the first day we met, actually, and I wasn't gonna tell you, but then someone convinced me I _should,_ because it's kind of eating me alive and my chest hurts and I can't sleep and I can't think about anything I need to because _all_ I can think about is _you,_ and, a-and..." His hands were both raking through his hair by this point as he paced back and forth, he was running out of breath, and his face was hot, and despite the fact that he could _physically feel_ the _'I'm freakin' out!'_ vibes emanating from poor, pitiful, unaware Ryuji, he forced himself to step closer, grabbing his bro by the shoulders and digging his fingers in.  
  
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier, I know this is dropping a bomb on you. I just...I was scared, I was _so fucking scared_ that I was going to screw everything up and it would be hell but this is just as awful and I-I, I can't live like this anymore. I can't keep bottling things up and pretending and shoving my foot in my mouth because _it sucks_ and it's making me neglect everything else I care about because I'm so distracted and I just..." Panting slightly, he let his forehead drop against Ryuji's chest. "You don't have to love me back, but _I love you..."  
  
Seal the deal.  
  
_ Bringing his head back up, he let his lips brush against Ryuji's ear with a whisper, cradling the blonde hair with one hand to pull him closer. "I'll explain everything, I _fucking swear_ I will, just play along! _Trust me_ and play along!" _  
  
"Uhhhh…"  
  
_ Not giving Ryuji a moment to actually decide, he shifted his grip to cradle his friend's back, and with all the suaveness Joker and Arsene could provide him, he spun them around and dipped his partner low before leaning in to capture his mouth in the hungriest but most tender kiss he could muster. He let one hand stroke his warm cheek, alternating between attacking his mouth and gently pecking it with a grin tugging at his lips. The orange glow of early sunset was blanketing them like a fine curtain, reflecting off of the arcade's glass doors, the air was alive with the warm scents of summer flora, and his mouth tasted like the most delicious mixture of sweat and sour cream and onion chips. He was praying to every deity he could think of that he had a mint stashed somewhere in the corners of his backpack, and maybe a wet wipe. How did Ryuji sweat so much? His hands were soaked, the fabric was sticking to the one on Ryuji's back, the musk was so strong. That cheap body spray he lathered himself in multiple times a day did not help. Note to self: gift Ryuji some better cologne.   
  
_The things I do for love..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Feel free to leave a kudos or a comment (anon is fine too)! If you'd like more updates when this posts (since I know my schedule is sporadic), feel free to subscribe, bookmark or follow me on my tumblr for fresh info (ursine-enchantment)! I love hearing from my readers! <333

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Feel free to leave a kudos or a comment, I love hearing from all of you! <3
> 
> If you'd like updates on my projects or to send me asks, my tumblr is ursine-enchantment!


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